me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
You Might Also Like
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
it must be school picture day
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying