Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem