Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
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God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
🙂🙃🥹
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.