i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Just say no
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Finally
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood