I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
You Might Also Like
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%