Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine