I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
This anagram machine is out of order.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Made something I’m not proud of