4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub