Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
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I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Yup….perfect score!
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish