Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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My ideal weight is five million dollars
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
socratic questions
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.