Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.