If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
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cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Nothing.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”