The game has officially changed 😎
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I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.