My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator