Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.