Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Interior design 👌
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue