I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
boat question
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
worst…sale…ever
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.