Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
You Might Also Like
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.