My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
O Wise One….
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.