My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…