Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
anyone else like Italian cereal
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.