UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.