My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
New comic up. “Ransom”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*sewing*
A thread
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.