Ha.
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
your honor my client chooses dare
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!