I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”