“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
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Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund