ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.