*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
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plums roundup
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*