I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
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Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My sex drive has a dui
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Ferrari squats
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”