It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
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Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”