Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
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I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
This could be us… but you playing
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My neck, my back, my…
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I can’t stop laughing at this
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me