I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird