Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors