*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
You Might Also Like
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now