I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key