“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face