Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Hank is one in a melon.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office