It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
no
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen