My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
You Might Also Like
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Tremendous stuff
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.