Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
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When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
me linking you to my twitter
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty