I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
You Might Also Like
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
every single time
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry