Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
How actors in movies eat their food
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us