[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
How it started: How it’s going:
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.