I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??