I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…