My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Just ordered me some pizza!
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks