I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work