I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Just me and my debit card against the world
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register