I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
i like to flex on them by shrugging
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training