Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.